well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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