The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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