New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
