Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
