She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
