I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
