My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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