I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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