i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
