oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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