I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
