Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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