I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
