dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
