i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
