I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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