I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
