My nipple is on Facebook.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
