I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
