I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
