I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
that's an acceptable place to lick
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
