Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
