I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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