I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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