my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
