They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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