I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Randomize