I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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