I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so let's talk penis.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
