i need an iv and a liver transplant
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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