WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
