Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
