she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize