he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
