i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
