Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I want her autograph on my taint
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize