So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
