mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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