No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
