i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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