Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
