I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
