If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
