Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
