she was so not down for the gang bang
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
