I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
