hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
