Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
