A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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