Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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