'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
