You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
